I'm Glad You're Dead
Preternatural Chronicles Book 1
📘 About This Book
My name is John Cook, and my life began the day my heart stopped beating.You meet the most interesting men in Medieval prisons. This one time, I met a guy who offered me immortality for the low, low price of changing my diet. I didn't read the fine print. Because he wasn't talking about a gluten free diet. More like hemoglobin full.And now I'm a friggin' vampire with five centuries of pop culture references.Granted, at the time, I was listening to the dying screams of my mother and father being burned and eviscerated alive just outside the rusty bars of the prison cell, and my new best friend was offering me my only real chance at saving my own life and avenging my parents' murderers-some day.Except my first chance at vengeance took about five hundred years, and I had to wade through oceans of sin and violence, blackening my soul-and my already dark sense of humor-beyond redemption until I met Father Thomes-a Roman Catholic Priest-in present-day Houston. Papa Thomes taught me how to use my dark curse to fight for the good guys. Like Alfred and Robin did for Batman-except we straight up murder Jokers and Two-Faces. Biteman and Pope'n.We stand up for the downtrodden, the forgotten, and the neglected?By exsanguinating the wicked in horrific, truly imaginative ways, and having a grand ol' time doing it. You know what they say about doing what you love?But our party is soon cut short when we learn the End of Days is just around the corner, and that the fine print of my contract might have hidden a few other tidbits. Like the fact that I was central to kicking off the Apocalypse, and that the Archdemons will stop at nothing to make sure The Dude Abides by the terms of his contract.I guess I need a lawyer.Get ready to laugh at extreme violence. I know I will. If you're not laughing, you're learning.
📖 Summary
I am John Cook, and my extraordinary narrative begins on the very day my heart stopped beating. Set against the grim and unforgiving backdrop of a medieval prison, my life took a terrifying and irreversible turn. Trapped behind rusty bars while listening to the agonizing dying screams of my mother and father as they were burned and eviscerated alive just outside, I faced certain doom. In that darkest hour, I encountered the most unusual savior imaginable. This fellow prisoner offered me immortality for the price of a drastic dietary change, though he neglected to mention the fine print. He was not talking about going gluten-free; he meant a diet full of hemoglobin. I accepted the pact because it was my only real chance at saving my own life and avenging my parents' brutal murderers, even if it meant waiting for the right moment. Now, I am a fully fledged vampire, equipped with five centuries of pop culture references accumulated over a very long and bizarre existence. However, my newfound undead reality was far from a simple path to swift justice. That very first chance at vengeance took approximately five hundred grueling years to materialize, requiring me to wade through endless oceans of time, history, and change. Hunter Blain's 2019 work offers readers a deeply personal and unconventional look into a half-millennium of survival, adaptation, and vengeance. Through my eyes, we explore what it means to lose everything, to be reborn into a monstrous form, and to carry a five-hundred-year grudge across generations while accumulating modern humor and a wealth of cultural trivia. The journey is long, messy, and profoundly complicated, proving that revenge is a dish best served after five centuries of marinating in the shadows.
🎯 Key Lessons
⚖️ Pros & Cons
✅ Pros
Engaging and distinct narrative voice from the protagonist
Creative blend of medieval history and modern pop culture references
High-stakes emotional core rooted in family tragedy and revenge
Fast-paced and entertaining exploration of an immortal life
⚠️ Cons
The extreme time spans between plot milestones might feel disjointed to some readers
The grim opening subject matter may be intense for certain audiences
❓ FAQ
Who is the main character and narrator of the book? +
The main character and narrator is John Cook, a vampire who was turned in a medieval prison.
When was I'm Glad You're Dead published? +
The book was published in 2019.
Who wrote I'm Glad You're Dead? +
The book was written by Hunter Blain.
What event triggered John Cook's transformation into a vampire? +
He accepted an offer of immortality from a fellow prisoner while his parents were being murdered outside his cell.
How long did it take for John to get his first real chance at vengeance? +
It took about five hundred years for his first opportunity for revenge to finally arrive.
